ninme

I saw this this morning and though, “Oh, lord. Bunch of children.” Then Chrenkoff swoops in and saves the day, turns the tables, and generally earns multitudinous mixed metaphors.

Chrenkoff - The joke’s on “USA Today”

Drudge reports: “President Bush addressed Slovakian citizens on the merits of freedom during an open air public address in Bratislava on Thursday. But a cropped photo in USA TODAY showed Bush under the words ‘BRAT’!”

Well, the joke on them - in many Slavic languages, the word “brat” means “brother” - which was my first thought when I saw the photo without reading the rest of the story: “How nice of ‘USA Today’ to underline the closeness of the relationship between President Bush and the Eastern European countries!”

heeheehahoo!

Tim Blair - Rove’s Brilliant Plan

A mere taste:

Rove: But now is not the time for fault-finding, or skull-crushing. Now is the time for action. Serious action. In fact, the most serious action it is possible for us to undertake.

Murdoch: You don’t mean … ?

Rove: Yes. It is time for us to deploy the Doomsday Device.

(Several reel from the table in shock; two are ill)

Rove: Mr. Gannon, please fetch the Device. And put some pants on, for God’s sake.

Gannon: Y-yes sir. Right away, Mr. Karl, sir.

Read the whole thing. It’s funny because it’s true, naturally.

Cox & Forkum - USS Ironic

Curtsy: Bubblehead.

There’s two today. The first:

A.E. Brain - Computer Security - A Visual Lesson

That’s the real Funniest Item of the Day. The following is an honorable mention, because it’s damned funny, but because of another reason those of you who’ve emailed me will get:

Power Line - A Joke

…to start off the weekend. Via Tomfoolery of the Highest Order, a site I just discovered through InstaPundit.

When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!”

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, “You wanted to end our liberties but you failed.”

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, “This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!”

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, “It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence.”

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, “This is not what you promised me.”

The Angel replied, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?”

heeheeheehee

NZ Pundit - No Laughing

Laughing about this sort of thing is bad.

WHEN 35 Greenpeace protesters stormed the International Petroleum Exchange (IPE) yesterday they had planned the operation in great detail.

What they were not prepared for was the post-prandial aggression of oil traders who kicked and punched them back on to the pavement.

“We bit off more than we could chew. They were just Cockney barrow boy spivs. Total thugs,” one protester said, rubbing his bruised skull. “I’ve never seen anyone less amenable to listening to our point of view.” [...] …

I said no laughing.

Isn’t that just the funniest thing you’ve ever heard? I skipped a bit, if you’re interested.

Quoted from Times Online - Kyoto protest beaten back by inflamed petrol traders

Best opener ever:

The stupid shall be punished - Submarine Combat Since WWII

One of the comments in an earlier post asked if I had every been on a sub that had fired a torpedo in anger. The answer to that is “no”; I spent the 1991 Gulf War defending the coast of Delaware

hahaha

That commenter, btw, was moi.

Update:

Yowsers. Full sequence here.

Absolutely the funniest update of the day!:

Peter says:

God Bless those folks.

sniff

(This would probably be the best time to mention that at the time, Peter was a wee bairn of 10, growing up in Delaware.)

The smallest girl in the bunny suit is so cute.

The Nature Anthem, via INDC Journal

You know, when I went to science camp, the song we sang was Dirt Made My Lunch.

(btw, the video isn’t the funniest item of the day, its his comment leading into the video that’s the funniest item of the day.)

Steve Harrigan - Pals in the Field

Feb. 9, 2005 6:44 a.m.
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

“You want a cup of tea?”

“Sure.”

“How do you take it?”

“Light and sweet.”

“You make a lousy cup of tea. It’s not light or sweet enough.”

“Brits don’t put sugar in tea.”

“You mean upper-class Brits.”

“It always puzzles me, people who ask for Earl Grey tea then put milk and sugar in it. Earl Grey is a light tea; if you put milk in it you can’t taste it.”

“Isn’t there a way, if you put in the milk first or after the sugar, that tells you…”

“I don’t know.”

Chrenkoff wins. Hands down.

(if he’s updated by the time you see this, see this entry, but on its own one doesn’t get the full impact)

So FOXnews, true to form, has a new advertiser, “Single Me,” the “hottest dating website” featuring, of course, a woman in a black lace teddy with her bosoms hanging out all over the screen (or would be, if we were running 640×480, which no one seems to design for anymore) so I laugh and show Peter, and he says “that’s totally stock footage from photos.com. I am definitely not impressed.”

hehehe

We had a year subscription there, which was ridiculously cheap for royalty-free stuff. They doubled the price, I think, so not so much anymore, but I think I downloaded my fill.

This is freaking hilarious, and in the “Geography and Foreign Affairs” category too. Who woulda thunk it.

India Uncut - The rationale of being irrational

Nitin Pai, continuing a conversation we started in this post, coins a fine phrase: Deliberate irrationalism. Behaving in a deliberately irrational manner, he points out, can be an effective tactical move in foreign affairs, because it then makes everybody wary of you, and less willing to piss you off. As an example, he points to China, whose behaviour as regards Taiwan is so irrationally belligerent that no one messes with on that issue for fear of how they might react. Nitin thinks that it might be rational for India to be deliberately irrational more often, as they were during Operation Parakram, when Indian forces headed for the Pakistan border after the attack on parliament.

Nitin’s formulation is nice, but deliberate irrationalalism as a tactical ploy, a birdie tells me, has been used by women for ages to control their men. Man not take woman shopping? Woman break cutlery. Man not take woman to holiday at parental home? Woman throw remote at TV and break bangle. Man watch all this carefully and learn lesson: don’t mess with woman. And if man is really dumb and does not learn lesson, then woman resort to last option: no sex.

But what good is that when it comes to Pakistan?

ninme laughs her tush off

(second one today, so this one’s yesterday’)

NZ Pundit - Goddam Humidity

If I wanted to be riddled with jock-rash I would live in Cairns or something. This humidity is incredible. God needs to be reminded that the only land south of where I live is Antartica.

They boys are sweating like pigs. My fiber-glasser actually removed his beany today exposing the 90% of his head that has until now been permanently covered. No-one can work more than an hour or so without having to stick their feet in the ocean to cool down.

No wonder Pacific Islanders are so goddam lazy. You couldn’t possibly progress past a tribal based society in a climate like this. “Nug, let’s invent literacy today!”. “Nah…I’ve got a better idea Wani, let’s have a swim and then laze about under a palm tree. Let those stupid temperate zone losers get all worked up about progress and crap.”

hahahaha

It got really cold here. Not absurdly cold, it’s just that lately I’ve been going outdoors in a thin cotton sweater, which I’m reluctant to move away from, so now I freeze my tush off. If I were intelligent, I’d reach further into the closet for a real coat, but alas.

From The Mudville Gazette, via Blackfive (again):

Sucking all the Fun out of War

What’s wrong with this paragraph from a Miami Herald Editorial (I’ll make some parts bold, italicized, and underlined as a subtle hint):

Lt. Gen. James Mattis should have gotten more than a slap on the wrist for bragging how much fun it was to shoot enemies in Iraq. ”Actually, it’s a lot of fun to fight. . . . It’s fun to shoot some people,” the three-star general said at a San Diego conference. ”You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn’t wear a veil,” Gen. Mattis added. “So it’s a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them.”

Iraq, Afghanistan… whatever! Guess those “raghead countries” are all the same to editorial writers in Miami. The writer goes on to point out that the military already has enough of an image problem due to high rates of domestic violence among troops, thus has no business insulting the Taliban for slapping women around.

Hilarious!

The Budweiser ad they’re too chicken to play at the Superbowl. It’s hilarious, I think, and not at all indecent, for crying out loud.

Wardrobe Malfunction

Sky News: “The Sun celebrates a ban on Page Three Girls being lifted in Navy warship bunkers.”

I have never laughed this hard and anything I’ve linked to so far. I don’t think. No, I really don’t think I have.

A.E. Brain - One Does not simply Walk into Mortdor…

Follow the link. Pretty please.

“They published the Prime Minister’s home phone number on the front page (”John Howard doesn’t listen to the people so call him at home on … “) and were then raided by the Federal Police.”

Via Tim Blair.

London Underground: The Song, written and performed by Dr. Suman Biswas, and Dr. Adam Kay and flash video by Tim Ireland. Brought to us by Tim at An Englishman’s Castle, who points out:

Not work safe - unless you are allowed to play loud songs with rude words at work.

I love it. An instant classic.