Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCXIV

Telegraph - Condi and Sergei air differences over an open microphone

The story:

Condoleezza Rice, America’s secretary of state, is famed for her sang froid but one person seems to be able to rattle her - Sergei Lavrov, the Russian foreign minister.

The pair are known to have goaded each other on several occasions, reflecting the souring relationship between Washington and Moscow.

However, a candid conversation between the pair was revealed to the world when a technician failed to switch off an audio feed during a closed-door lunch at a meeting of foreign ministers in Moscow.

For 20 minutes on Wednesday night, journalists were treated to often-tetchy exchanges about Iraq, interspersed with the tinkle of glasses and the scraping of cutlery.

Sometimes the tone smacked of the playground as the two bickered over a new US-backed aid programme for Iraq.

Mr Lavrov tried to explain that the international community should not become involved in Iraq’s political process - something that Miss Rice opposes - but should be involved “in support of the political process”.

“What does that mean?” Miss Rice demanded.

After a long pause, Mr Lavrov replied with a sneer: “I think you understand.”

“No, I don’t,” she shot back. As Mr Lavrov refused to lend Russian support to the new aid programme, Miss Rice grew increasingly irritated.

“I just want to register that I think it’s a pity that we can’t endorse something that’s been endorsed by the Iraqis and by the UN,” she said. “But if that’s how Russia sees it, that’s fine.”

The punch line:

Perhaps wisely, the other ministers - including Margaret Beckett, Britain’s Foreign Secretary - barely spoke during the dinner.

Oh that kills me.

Date: Jun 30th, 2006 · Comments RSS · Tags: Geography and Foreign Affairs

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Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCXIII

Wheat & Weeds - The Tomatoes Don’t Lie, II

Ah, those tomatoes. Throw in a little Algore and it’s a recipe for hilarity.

Date: Jun 29th, 2006 · Comments RSS · Tags: Food

25 Responses to “Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCXIII”

  1. Rueful Red Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 1:11 am

    Tomatoes don’t do at all well if it’s too wet. If it’s warm and wet why not grow cucumbers? Granted, the tendrils can be a bit spooky and it’s no fun having skin scraped off by the velcro-y bits, and then there’s always the smell as well, but it’s a really satisfying plant to look at once it’s at full height and fruiting.

  2. HalfEmpty Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 4:10 am

    I suggest okra.

  3. HalfEmpty Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 4:24 am

    Holey Moley!

    WayOffTopic! But breaking news from cyclenewS

    Jan Ullrich suspended from T-Mobile, will not be participating in the Tour de France.

    NOOOOOOOOO!

  4. HalfEmpty Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 4:28 am

    Sorry Ninme, I got overexcited, now I cannot confirm above, maybe a savage roumor.

  5. Brett_McS Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 4:40 am

    Oh, you are right Half. Here.

    Looks like a whole bunch more suspended, too. [dusts off cycling shoes]

  6. HalfEmpty Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 7:16 am

    Oh jeeez, Basso, Zapala and Mancebo too. This is gonna be a weird tour. If I’d only had a year notice I coulda lost 75 lbs and been ready.

  7. Rueful Red Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 8:14 am

    Only on this blog can someone go from totally unknown to superhero and then to supevillain in the space of half a dozen posts. One really has to keep up.

    Fun though! Once ninme’s filthy rich maybe she’ll sponsor her own Tour for Brett and Half and the gang. Probably not as fast as the main tour, but the food and drink’ll be better.

  8. RC2 Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 8:47 am

    I saw 7 comments and wondered what could possibly be so interesting about slow-to-ripen tomatoes. Am relieved we’re onto a sports scandal now.

    Half, I associate okra only with my uncle’s scare-the-kids claim that sometimes he likes to peel away the vegetable and just have a bowl of the slime. As for cycling: with so many suspensions, they may needja just as you are.

  9. ninme Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 8:48 am

    See what happens when Lance Armstrong isn’t there to monopolize the attentions of the doping officials?

    Better wait by the phone there, Brett.

  10. HalfEmpty Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 9:15 am

    associate okra only with my uncle’s scare-the-kids claim that sometimes he likes to peel away the vegetable and just have a bowl of the slime.

    Hew hee, Double-Gumbo for the Cajun aficionado. I like okra and tomatoes and even fried okra, I do draw the line at pickeled tho.

  11. ninme Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 9:32 am

    I hate okra. I hate cucumbers. I want currants trained up a brick wall and a potted nectarine.

    And kaffir limes. I always need their leaves for my thai recipes but damned if I’ve ever seen them in the shops.

    I get the feeling I’m going to spend the weekend hiding in the bedroom burying myself in my paperbacks and gardening books.

    I’m pretty excited about finding this, though.

  12. Rueful Red Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 9:41 am

    Herb garden now has mint, rosemary, basil, chives, thyme, coriander and lavender. Very gratifying.

  13. ninme Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 10:01 am

    My little lavender topiary is starting to bloom. My avocado keeps going up up up, and never out. I’m wondering if I should clip it.

    Anyone know anything about growing Jerusalem artichokes?

  14. HalfEmpty Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 11:37 am

    You don’t like peeled cucumbers sliced thin in a bowl of quality vinegar with Kosher salt and black bread? It’s the only beloved food Tallahassee and Moscow have in common.

  15. HalfEmpty Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 11:41 am

    With pasta (pick yur own) on the side, always.

    LOL! I’m betraying my country culinary-wise on the eve of the 4th! Ha! Tho, I do have a whole 3on rack of ribs getting started.

    Any one near Tallahassee let me know.

  16. ninme Says:
    June 30th, 2006 at 11:57 am

    Did I mention our barbecue got stolen? I got it for my birthday two years ago (from dad) and used it once, then put it away for the winter and it disappeared. So I dunno what I’m going to do for the 4th. Too po’ to go home for the big barbecue… With steaks… God it’s been a long time since I’ve had a steak.

    Boy I just can’t find anything to cheer me up.

    I can eat cucumbers if they’re julienned into a thai noodle salad, but in big chunks I just don’t like them. Weird crunchy/slimy texture.

  17. Brett_McS Says:
    July 1st, 2006 at 4:26 am

    Well. I had a good. go. on the bike. today. I can confirm I’m ready. to take Jan’s place. on the couch. watching the tour. should he need a break. I’ll keep it warm. gasp [collapses]

  18. Brett_McS Says:
    July 1st, 2006 at 4:44 am

    [must recover. in time. to. watch. soccer]

    Commiserations on the barbeque. I am also (one of the few Australians) without one, and hence never eat steak except when dining out. Lamb chops are good if you have a grill. Does the famously low-pressure blood have enough iron in it, I wonder?

  19. ninme Says:
    July 1st, 2006 at 8:36 am

    (hehehe)

    Well, I get most of my protein from paneer and lentils. And I haven’t fainted yet.

    Now shape up! Walk it off! Put on your game face! Your lingosphere may need you!

  20. HalfEmpty Says:
    July 1st, 2006 at 3:39 pm

    Your lingosphere may need you!

    Har hee hee hee. Is that new? I love to be cutting edge.

  21. ninme Says:
    July 1st, 2006 at 8:19 pm

    Yes it is.

    ninme sniffs proudly

    You know, I received your accolades and plaudits for another working of the whole Anglosphere word thing before… What was that…

  22. Brett_McS Says:
    July 2nd, 2006 at 6:52 am

    Did you introduce the adjectival form, anglospherical?

  23. HalfEmpty Says:
    July 2nd, 2006 at 9:15 am

    I’m trying to remember…

  24. ninme Says:
    July 2nd, 2006 at 10:05 pm

    Ooh maybe that’s what it was. I’ll check in my search comments box (can’t search before you know what to search for, after all).

    No, the only result is your comment just now. Bugger.

    Hah! I’m a genius! Or Brett is. It’s teamwork, let’s say that. At any rate, I found it.

    http://www.ninme.com/archives/2006/01/naffarewe.html

    Anglospheric zeitgeist. That must have been it.

    Or was it? Now I’m doubting myself.

  25. HalfEmpty Says:
    July 3rd, 2006 at 12:10 pm

    We’ve sold out for a really long thread. But what can I say?

    /ha ha ha

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Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCXII

Comment at Tim Blair’s, from Dean McAskil:

I think I understand this game now because I want to riot.

Date: Jun 26th, 2006 · Comments RSS · Tags: Sports and Leisure

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Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCXI

LGF - CBS: China, Japan, What’s the Difference

Okay, either the guy on the online photo desk is a leftover WWII-era propaganda artist who instinctively reaches for the Japanese flag when it’s time to git scarin’ the public, or else the people over at CBS just can’t tell all those slitty-eyed people apart.

Date: Jun 21st, 2006 · Comments RSS · Tags: Geography and Foreign Affairs

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Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCX

I don’t know why, but this amuses the hell out of me. Probably just my mood.

ABC (Oz)’s Articulate - Fighting the ‘Tokyo Drift’

In a move sure to please parents across the state, Tasmania has decreed movie-goers will have to sit through a short road safety film, while Queenslanders will be greeted by pamphlets at the cinemas.

Date: Jun 20th, 2006 · Comments RSS · Tags: Entertainment

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Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCIX

The Ryskind Sketchbook - Mind Set

Curtsy: Wheat & Weeds

Date: Jun 19th, 2006 · Comments RSS · Tags: Business & Media

One Response to “Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCIX”

  1. DirtCrashr Says:
    June 20th, 2006 at 2:38 pm

    That is good!

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Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCVIII

I just showed Peter the report on the Bolton-Brown smack-down from yesterday’s Brit Hume show which I’d saved on the TiVo for him (that and the really excellent report on Mexico’s southern border) (ahem ahem) (but anyway) and oh my goodness he makes me laugh. Then I saw this, and I’m just filled with such gleeful abandon.

The Times - Apologise or we’ll cut your funding, US envoy tells UN

AMERICA’S bitter dispute with the United Nations escalated last night when John Bolton, the US envoy to the UN, threatened to withhold funding to the organisation unless it apologised for the remarks of a senior British official.

Speaking at the Centre for Policy Studies in London, Mr Bolton assailed Mark Malloch Brown, the British Deputy UN Secretary-General, for the disparaging remarks he made about the American public this week. “Mark Malloch Brown has a sentence in his speech where he says the role of the UN is a mystery in Middle America,” he said.

“Maybe it is fashionable in some circles to look down on Middle America, to say they don’t get the complexities of the world and they don’t have the benefit of continental education and they are deficient in so many ways,” Mr Bolton added. “It is illegitimate for an international civil servant to criticise what he thinks are the inadequacies of citizens of a member government.”

Hilarious! But he goes on!

He also hinted that the US Congress, which controls American government spending, might reconsider US funding to the UN, which accounts for 22 per cent of the organisation’s annual budget. “Congress has the power of the purse and they feel quite strongly on a bipartisan basis that America has a right to know how their tax dollars are being spent, even people from Middle America,” he said, with a note of sarcasm.

Hah!

Except Malloch Brown isn’t a British official, he’s a UN official. Saying he’s a British official makes it sound like he’s there to represent the interests of the British government, which he isn’t. He’s there to represent the interests of the member nations. And then there’s this sentence:

America has a long tradition of isolationism, dating back to even before the US refused to join the League of Nations.

I thought we were Imperialist Invader Monkey Tools of the Joooooos? Not that I think Mr Bone thinks that, since Mr Bone was the one that got chastised for asking questions about Kofi Annan’s son’s free Benz, but that’s why he especially should know that the problem here is not that

Mr Bolton

is a

a Republican right-winger

who

has been a leading conservative critic of the UN since serving as the Assistant Secretary of State for International Organisations in the Administration of the first President Bush

but that he’s someone interested in fixing the UN’s problems, and knows that blaming those problems on the people who see them, want to fix them, and happen to be paying for the whole thing, is just going to turn them against the UN which will kill the reform process (dead already, perhaps) which would kill the UN’s legitimacy more than even Rush Lim-bow could manage. And

The UN has

not

been portrayed by far-right groups as a godless, communist and corrupt “nest of spies” ready to invade America

but as a bunch of corrupt, pedophiliac, megolomanic kleptomaniac jerks who spend our money like they go through bottles of Fiji water.

Date: Jun 8th, 2006 · Comments RSS · Tags: Geography and Foreign Affairs

5 Responses to “Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCVIII”

  1. Brett_McS Says:
    June 9th, 2006 at 1:48 am

    That’s exactly right. Bolton represents the last chance the U.N. has to salvage itself, but they just will not see it. King Lear, indeed.

  2. Rueful Red Says:
    June 9th, 2006 at 2:57 am

    Mark Malloch Brown isn’t a diplomat but a PR man. He’s way out of his league when he comes up against Bolton. As Bolton has demonstrated…

  3. Brett_McS Says:
    June 9th, 2006 at 4:19 am

    Well he clearly isn’t diplomatic. How did he get the job? Was he a PR man for the PM or something?

  4. Rueful Red Says:
    June 9th, 2006 at 5:37 am

    I think he was a UN PR man. Very condescending manner. Just the type not to play well in Peoria.

  5. ninme Says:
    June 9th, 2006 at 11:04 am

    How does any of these people get to where they are at the UN? I think most people have given up attributing it to merit a long time ago.

    Apparently he lives in this lovely house/apartment that’s owned by George Soros that he gets for just $4000/month, and the deal was made when George Soros was doing some stuff for the UN. Very naughty. Exactly the sort of thing they’re trying to put behind them.

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Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCVII

Tim Blair - CSI TORONTO

Date: Jun 6th, 2006 · Comments RSS · Tags: War and Peace

One Response to “Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCVII”

  1. Sophia Says:
    June 7th, 2006 at 8:11 am

    What? U r such a randomer. I actually wanted a picture of Geogia O’Keefe’s work.

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Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCVI

Wheat & Weeds - Apparently Not

A man lowered himself into the lion’s den at the Kiev zoo — to test whether or not God exists.

Update:

Behold the one they call Half, in the comments:

Ima exist, but am out of the ether at the moment. Please leaver your prayer at the tone, your constant attention is important to us. We exist for your every whim. Your constant attention is important to us. We are out of the ether at the moment handing a a request from a special kitty friend. We will return soon. Your constant attention is important to us, please leave your prayer at the tone.

Update II:

Boy, when it comes to man-eating-lion stories, you people really shine.

First (second, really) RC2, in the comments:

Which brings to mind a joke:

An atheist is hiking in the mountains when he comes upon a grizzly bear. He runs for his life, but is no match for the grizzly, who easily catches him. As the ferocious jaws are about to clamp down on him, the man cries out, “Oh my God, if you’re up there, make this bear a Christian bear!” At this, the bear stops in mid- attack, puts its paws together and says, “Bless us, oh Lord, and these Thy gifts. . . .”

And Attila, in the comments:

I had an Israeli math professor in college, who said, “Do you know how to catch a lion in the desert? You take a cage and…” He went to the blackboard and drew a line dividing it in two. “The lion’s either in the left or in the right. Suppose it’s in the left. Divide the left in two. Now, it’s either in the top or in the bottom. Suppose it’s in the top. Divide the top in two. Now, it’s either in the left or in the right.” So then he says: “Pretty soon the area is so small that the lion has to stand on one foot. And then you throw the cage onto the lion.”

There’s something twisted at work here, you know.

Date: Jun 5th, 2006 · Comments RSS · Tags: Science and Nature

8 Responses to “Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCVI”

  1. The Big Guy Says:
    June 5th, 2006 at 12:27 pm

    Ima exist, but am out of the ether at the moment. Please leaver your prayer at the tone, your constant attention is important to us. We exist for your every whim. Your constant attention is important to us. We are out of the ether at the moment handing a a request from a special kitty friend. We will return soon. Your constant attention is important to us, please leave your prayer at the tone.

  2. Shipman Says:
    June 5th, 2006 at 12:28 pm

    Ha!

    Yes, I exist, I’m proving it to a lioness at the moment.

    /ima kill myself sometimes.

  3. ninme Says:
    June 5th, 2006 at 3:30 pm

    That…

    Oh man.

  4. RC2 Says:
    June 5th, 2006 at 4:52 pm

    Which brings to mind a joke:

    An atheist is hiking in the mountains when he comes upon a grizzly bear. He runs for his life, but is no match for the grizzly, who easily catches him. As the ferocious jaws are about to clamp down on him, the man cries out, “Oh my God, if you’re up there, make this bear a Christian bear!” At this, the bear stops in mid- attack, puts its paws together and says, “Bless us, oh Lord, and these Thy gifts. . . .

  5. ninme Says:
    June 5th, 2006 at 5:02 pm

    Hah! Our homily-joke-telling-priest told that one ages ago. But a lion on a beach. I think they teach it at seminary.

  6. Attila (Pillage Idiot) Says:
    June 5th, 2006 at 6:54 pm

    The victim here was obviously not Israeli, because they know what to do with lions.

    I had an Israeli math professor in college, who said, “Do you know how to catch a lion in the desert? You take a cage and…” He went to the blackboard and drew a line dividing it in two. “The lion’s either in the left or in the right. Suppose it’s in the left. Divide the left in two. Now, it’s either in the top or in the bottom. Suppose it’s in the top. Divide the top in two. Now, it’s either in the left or in the right.” So then he says: “Pretty soon the area is so small that the lion has to stand on one foot. And then you throw the cage onto the lion.”

  7. Rueful Red Says:
    June 6th, 2006 at 3:54 am

    If Half didn’t exist God would have to invent him.

  8. HalfEmpty Says:
    June 6th, 2006 at 9:50 am

    hee hee, one of the nicer compliments ever.

    Head is now .48BBN

    (barra bond nogin)

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Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCV

The Sun - Lady Macca’s porno past

The headline itself is freaking hilarious.

LADY Heather McCartney posed in depraved pornographic clinches which are bound to sicken her estranged husband Sir Paul and his army of fans.

The ex-model was snapped in a string of lurid scenes for a hard core German book.

Many of the images are too explicit to print in a family newspaper.

But the writing!

The filthy volume features 112 pages filled with pictures — and contains NO [emphasis the Sun's] accompanying words.

I guess this is what she meant by “former model”.

Date: Jun 4th, 2006 · Comments RSS · Tags: People and Current Events

4 Responses to “Absolutely the Funniest Item of the Day CCV”

  1. Rueful Red Says:
    June 5th, 2006 at 12:45 am

    The Sun is so funny when it goes into “shocked, I tell you, shocked!” mode. It’s a fair bet that it’ll have run pictures of her in some deshabille in the past. Hypocrites? The Sun?

  2. wayne Says:
    June 5th, 2006 at 8:23 am

    we had thousands of seals wash upon our newfoundland beaches this spring dead. we now determine it was from lady m’s STD’s.

  3. Shipman Says:
    June 5th, 2006 at 12:37 pm

    Good heavens! Were they ♣ing size?

  4. ninme Says:
    June 5th, 2006 at 3:44 pm

    Hehe

    Shocked!

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